The following reflection originally appeared in the newsletter I sent out on August 10th, 2024.

Feel free to read just the bold words and skip the rest.

 

Introduction

In spiritual circles, there isn’t often a lot of talk about sex.

It’s as if we live our spiritual lives in our corner, where we meditate and do volunteer work and talk to our family, and then in another corner, we engage with our sexuality, where as soon as it’s over, we turn it into a big taboo and never speak about it to anyone.  Although, of course, there is also the cultural backdrop that throws toxic sexuality into our faces on every other advertisement.

In contrast to those two poles, this reflection will explore how to bring our sexuality into our spiritual life, in a way where it can be a force of goodness, as opposed to creating suffering for oneself and others.

To put it briefly, there is a way to engage sexually that’s fueled by greed, aversion, and delusion — these ways tend to create suffering.  There is also a way to engage sexually that’s fueled by love and wisdom — this way tends to foster connection and beautiful qualities of the heart.

For transparency’s sake, I write this from the perspective of someone in a committed monogamous, sexual relationship.

Note: for the purpose of this inquiry, “sex” means any expression or exchange of sexual energy, including flirting, kissing, masturbation, sexual “play,” and penetrative sex, among other possibilities.

 

Relating to Sex

To be fair, the Buddha was pretty skeptical of finding well-being in sex or any other form of sensual pleasure, from ice cream cones to sky diving.  He tended to emphasize how they lead to craving & grasping, and instead pointed people to finding deeper sources of well-being, such as living ethically & lovingly, and finding peace through meditation and wisdom.

However, in terms of explicit teachings on sex, for monks and nuns, he said they were to completely abstain from it.  For laypeople, there was no prohibition, and as in the Third Precept, he instead emphasized abstaining from causing harm with one’s sexuality.

As I, as well as likely everyone reading this reflection, is a layperson, the relevant teaching is to see how we can engage in this human act without causing harm, and perhaps even cultivate some of those deeper sources of well-being as well.

Before exploring sexual non-harming, it’s first helpful to look inwards at our relationship to sex, which forms the roots of how we engage sexually.

For many people, sex is filled with shame, trauma, pain, and fear.  For others, it’s a source of connection, joy, pleasure, and perhaps even divinity.  For many, it’s probably a mix of both.  And then there are those who are asexual or perhaps older and have long since lost interest in sex (and may in turn have little interest in today’s reflection!).

In any case, maybe you talk openly about sex, treating it as just a normal human functioning, like eating, sleeping, or urinating.  Maybe you relate to it as sacred, special, and a treasure of being alive.  Or perhaps you consider it uncouth to talk about.  Maybe you see sex as this dirty, shameful thing that you wish you didn’t have to deal with, but ironically, also deeply enjoy.

All of these ways of relating to sex, whether conscious or not, have been conditioned.   They are all “normal” and understandable.  And yet, being conditioned, none of them were with us the moment we left the womb.

Some of these ways have been conditioned by our past sexual experiences.  For example, we might reflect on the best and worst sexual experience we’ve ever had.  If we can identify any instances, can we find a link between those past experiences and how we relate to sex these days, including our likes and dislikes, our fears and shames, how we think about sex, the types of partners we choose, and so on.

On the hardest-hitting level, have we ever had a traumatic sexual experience, or been with a partner that did, and can so relate to the phenomenon?  If we have, years or even decades later, the impact of that experience can still influence our sexual behavior and feelings, even with a trusted partner.  Unless there is true healing, our past experiences condition our future reality.

We have also been conditioned by the communities and cultures we were raised in, and perhaps that we even rebelled against.

For example, I grew up in a highly religious environment, where sex out of wedlock was a grave sin, and more generally, I got the vibe that sex was inherently bad, masturbation was evil, nudity was shameful, and viewing pornography was a sign that something was really wrong with a person.

As I came of age, I rebelled against this very hard, and eventually broke free of this point of view by swinging for a time to the other extreme of overt “sex positivity.”  In contrast, a dear friend of mine with a similar upbringing had a much harder time breaking free, spending many years feeling guilty, dirty, and sinful after every sexual act, even though they had long since left that religion.

And yet, even though our past experiences and environment have shaped our present reality, it’s conditioned, and whatever has been conditioned can be re-conditioned.

To summarize, before we even begin exploring how to be non-harming and loving in our sexual lives, it’s essential to be open and transparent with ourselves about the feelings, views, and conditioning we are bringing to the table.  This helps expose our blind and sore spots, allowing for the seeds of transformation.

More simply put, we start where we are, not where we’d like to be.

 

Sexual Harm

As far as I can tell, the Buddha largely talked about sexual harm in terms of these two types of gross-level harm*:

1. Having sex with people with inappropriate people, including someone already married, someone who has taken a vow of celibacy, and someone “prohibited by societal convention,” which may include minors, siblings, prostitutes, an employee, someone over whom you hold power, or anyone that will get you put in jail, and so on.  Curiously, even 2,600 years ago in India, the Buddha states no prohibition against sex out of wedlock, same-gender sex, or masturbation*.
2. Having sex with someone coercively or without consent, including rape, molestation, abuse, manipulation, taking advantage of people in altered states, blackmail, and so on.

While everyone should definitely avoid doing the above, it’s also helpful to look at some of the subtler ways we can cause harm with our sexuality.  For example, this could include:

• Flirting or exchanging sexual energy at inappropriate times, in inappropriate contexts, or with inappropriate people.
• Even amidst a sexual act with a consenting partner, doing some subtle act they haven’t consented to.
• Being manipulative, even with our partner, like using sex as a bargaining chip to get something else we want.
• Guilting someone into consent, even if they are our partner, like expressing feelings or saying words with the hope they’ll change their mind and give us the sexual experience we want.

What I’ve found the most fascinating way to observe harm, especially the harm I create myself, is looking at what motivates my sexual urges and behaviors.

With a more wholesome motivation, we feel completely at peace whether or not sex happens.  Maybe even we start a sexual act and then stop for whatever reason, but still feel at peace.  There’s a deep capacity to be fluid, flexible, and respectful, without the slightest inner resistance.  In this way, there may be a desire for sex, but it doesn’t come with grasping or agitation.

With less wholesome motivations, there is a subtle (or not-so-subtle) craving for sex / what it brings us.  We know there’s craving because there’s some degree of agitation in our thoughts, energy, or body.  Longtime students of Buddhism will know the tradition is quite clear — craving is the direct cause of suffering.

More specifically, craving is not at peace until it gets its desired outcome, whether that’s an orgasm to happen, the other person to initiate, the foreplay/sex/afterplay to be over, our own anatomy to work according to our desire, to get some validation or security or intimacy, and so on.  And when we get the slightest hint that we won’t get what we want, the agitation magnifies.

Sometimes the craving is to get away from something.  For example, maybe we feel bored, anxious, depressed, stressed, or upset, and then use sex as a way to make us feel better, even if only for a moment.  On this note, a powerful teaching I once spent some years with was to “release sex from the obligation to make you feel better or more secure.”

In looking at these motivations, we see that engaging in sex via craving just isn’t worth it.  The added agitation creates an unpleasant inner environment, and if you’re paying close attention, it also adds stress to the relational dynamic (if you’re with another person).  And if it’s motivated by getting away from something, we may be able to cover over the unpleasant feeling for a moment, but it will still be there later, and it will also have a deeper hold on us, as we’ll be more entrenched in the habit of avoidance.

As a note, some Buddhist purists would question whether or not it’s even possible to have sex without some craving present.  While I find this worth contemplating, in my lived experience, there is a dramatically less amount of craving than there used to be, and for every ounce of craving released, there is an equal amount of peace gained.

Some of you may say, “Is it really so bad to be motivated by wanting to feel good?

From a meditative perspective, it’s helpful to let go of this whole good/bad idea.  Instead, we closely observe the experience of sex that’s motivated by even the slightest thread of craving or aversion.  What do we notice?  Is there agitation/tension?  A sense of lack?  A feeling that we’ll only be complete when we get the thing — i.e. the pleasure in our genitals, the experience of forgetting about our day, the intimacy or validation with our partner, etc.?

If we’re having trouble spotting the motivation, do we notice any agitation/tension when we want to engage sexually but our body isn’t cooperating, or if with a partner, when one of us wants sex, but the other doesn’t?  Or, any other way the sexual act isn’t going according to plan?

In summary, the most essential teaching is to avoid gross level sexual harm.  However, once that feels easy, we can put our lens on the subtle ways we cause harm to ourselves and others.  And, as we can release our cravings, we can also begin to explore more wholesome motivations for having sex.
** Check out page 53 (of the book not the PDF) for a concise summary of the Buddha’s teachings on the sex precept.

 

Wholesome Sex

As a starting point, when we’re going to engage in a sexual act, wisdom would first have us check if this is an appropriate time, place, or person to bring in sexual energy.  The more solid we can be with our appropriateness, the more people trust us and the more safety we bring into the world.

Beyond that, one of the Buddha’s most common teachings is the Brahma Viharas, aka the sublime attitudes or divine abodes.  He says that an enlightened being fluidly moves between these four attitudes, relating to any given life circumstance through them.  They are:

• Loving-kindness — a fundamental goodwill, care, and well-wishing towards others
• Compassion — the desire for others to be free from suffering
• Appreciative joy — to take delight in another’s delight, particularly in their virtuous qualities and acts
• Equanimity — to maintain non-reactivity amidst another’s unskillful actions or misfortune

Here is how each of those four could apply to a wholesome experience of sex.

Loving-kindness. In the context of sex, what if our sexual behaviors were most fundamentally motivated from a place of loving-kindness, from a deep care and well-wishing about the other (or ourself) as a person?  What if our sexual act wasn’t a way to get something or get away from something, but was an expression of care and deep connection?

Compassion. When our partner (or ourself) had some sexual trauma, shame, or fear arise, can we hold them with compassion and care?  Can we put aside our desire in order to tend to them (or ourself)?  Can we be sensitive to their pain?  Can we patiently walk with them (or ourself) on a path to healing, if that’s what’s asked?

Appreciative joy.  Can we appreciate the delight that the other (or ourself) takes in the sexual experience, particularly if they are approaching it in a calm, loving, and engaged way?  If they can maintain loving-kindness, compassion, appreciative joy, and equanimity, can we delight in that?  Can their happiness be our happiness, or if solo, can we just appreciate the niceness of it?

Equanimity.  If our partner doesn’t want to have sex, if our own body doesn’t perform the way we want it to, or if our partner gets triggered and pulls away or says something mean, can we take that in without any reactivity or making it personal?  Can we maintain a profound inner calm even amidst excitement and pleasure?

I’ve noticed in myself that the above requires a deep attitude of, “it really doesn’t matter if I/we have sex or not.  A part of me may want to, but a deeper part of me wants to stay connected to the sublime attitudes, to the part of me that is wisely & lovingly receptive to the moment.”

In the end, this attitude probably means that I have sex less than when I was younger /  less wise, but as it’s the ground of a healthy relationship, it also probably means I have sex more than a typical partnered couple, as the easiest way to kill a sexual relationship is to fuse it with a bunch of stress, reactivity, and conflict.

In summary, it’s possible to have sex not just to make us feel good, but to strengthen wholesome qualities of our heart as well — and, perhaps, this is actually considerably more important!

 

Wholesome Sex Part 2

Amidst something as dynamic as sex, it may sound like quite a project to unravel our conditioning, notice and release unwholesome motivations, and cultivate and strengthen wholesome motivations.  However, this is a lifelong undertaking; not something we’re going to resolve in a few days.  Take it slow.

Also of great importance, wisely relating to sex implies protecting the vulnerable**.  This may include helping other people keep their boundaries, even if they aren’t able to maintain them.  Having the courage to call people out for inappropriate sexual conduct.  Taking people seriously when they speak about any sexual harm they are experiencing.  Not taking advantage of people who aren’t in their right mind.  Having extra care around children, steering them towards sexually safe environments, and educating them on sexual safety.

Anyhow, when we choose to bring sexuality into our spiritual life, we have the opportunity to look deeply at our motivations, and through a long long process of acting unskillfully, observing, learning, and trying again next time, we can transform our sexual life to a place of greater love and wisdom.

Please be gentle with yourself!

** In section three, Thich Nhat Hanh offers his contemporary reflections on wise sexuality, emphasizing protecting the vulnerable.  As a fun fact, we had part of this excerpt read during our wedding ceremony!

 

Beyond Sex

Notice that I haven’t said anything about how to have more pleasurable sex. 

It’s not that pleasure is incompatible with virtue, that you shouldn’t have pleasurable sex, or that there’s anything “wrong” or “bad” or “sinful” about pleasurable sex, but it just wasn’t what the Buddha was interested in.  And the point of this reflection is to see how we can learn from the Buddhist perspective.

Once again, the deeper thrust of Buddhist practice is about finding a source of well-being, peace, and fulfillment that is considerably deeper and more stable than a sexual experience.

What I’ve observed in myself and others is that the more we grow in wisdom, and the more we find peace in ourselves, the less our sexual life is motivated by a sense of lack.  We find a greater well-being in acting virtuously, in abiding in the present moment, and through releasing stress-ridden cravings.  We may still have a reasonable amount of sex, but it occupies far less mental-emotional real estate.

The more this happens, the more energy is freed up to use our lives to explore “what actually brings me deep and profound well-being?”  This is a question the Buddha would like very much!

 

Conclusion

Rather than keeping sex hidden in the shadows, playing out our conditioned patterns and wounding, we have the opportunity through mindfulness to observe those patterns, to heal them, to release them, and to cultivate a more wise and loving relationship with sex.

Personally, through many years of intentionally exploring my sexuality with a meditative lens, I’ve gone from a place of feeling a lot of sexual shame, anxiety, and wounding, where I also used sexuality as a go-to avoidance strategy, to a place where I wouldn’t say I’m some perfect pious Buddhist with no craving, but rather to a place where sex comes with minimal wounding & baggage, and is primarily a vehicle of intimacy.

In other words, while I still see my relationship with it growing, I can also say with lived experience that transformation is possible!

There is so much more that could be said about wise sex, but may these reflections stir some interest in you to look a closely more closely at what’s happening in your heart/mind when it comes to sexuality.

*** If you’re interested in learning more about this topic, here’s an excellent 45-minute talk by Gil Fronsdal, called “Bringing Practice to Our Sexual Lives”

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