The following reflection originally appeared in the newsletter I sent out on May 4th, 2021.
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I was recently in a professional meeting and received some constructive criticism. It got me thinking a lot about how the Buddha often praised practitioners who were easy to admonish; or, to put it another way, were coachable, received feedback well, or were willing to be critiqued.
It’s not something people talk about often, but I see it as an incredibly beautiful quality to embody. When I think of the people in my life to whom I can easily give constructive criticism, I feel greater trust with them. I feel a stronger connection and safety. They also tend to be people of strong integrity and discernment.
Of course, there’s a real cadence and discernment needed in offering critiques. As the Buddha outlines, we should only critique someone if it is:
- True
- Beneficial
- Spoken at the right time
- Spoken gently
- Spoken with a mind full of loving-kindness
I’d like to also point out that we live a culture where we have a strong tendency not to critique, but to criticize — especially ourselves. In that short list, the Buddha said, “spoken gently and with a mind full of loving-kindness.” Imagine if every time you critiqued yourself, it carried not an ounce of meanness, ill-will, hostility, contempt or harshness, but rather was gentle, caring and full of loving-kindness. How different an experience that is!!
So what does it mean to be easily admonished?
One of the Buddha’s chief disciples lays out 16 criteria in this text, but I think of these as a shorthand:
- One doesn’t become defensive, angry, or reactive (even if the other person says it angrily, defensively or reactively!)
- One is not stuck in stubbornness or obstinacy; is willing to hear other perspectives
- One is able to take ownership of one’s action and their impact, without denial
- One doesn’t feel the need to justify themselves, saying, “I was doing that because of xyz…”. And can instead just say, “thank you; I appreciate your pointing that out.”
- If appropriate, one asks clarifying questions and initiates a constructive dialogue — not to prove one’s position or debate, but to learn more about the other’s observation
- Doesn’t just accept the admonishment as truth, but is willing to wisely & thoughtfully consider it, and maybe even set a firm boundary if it’s an untrue, toxic or destructive criticism
Of course, there’s also something to be said for what we do with a critique.
More often than not, when I have been constructively admonished, there is some degree of validity in the critique. In these cases, it wouldn’t be worth much if they critiqued me 1,000 times for the same thing and I just kept doing it. If I really hear the feedback, it’s on me to do some inner work to make a change and/or to step up my communication.
However, I’ve certainly been admonished before, and, after much reflection, felt I did nothing wrong. In these cases, it’s again on me to either communicate better, to set some boundaries, or to help the other person set some boundaries around me.
Anyhow, being easily admonished is a skill; something anyone can learn and develop. It can help to take on the mindset that every critique and admonishment is a gift; an aid into looking more closely at ourselves. When we really take this perspective on and develop the skill, it can add a layer of richness, trustworthiness and wisdom to our lives.
How do you respond to critiques?
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