Becoming an Artist of Sucking


I really like to meditate.  It’s the most important thing I do every morning.  If I have a few minutes (or an hour) free at some point later in the day, my default is to be still and meditate rather than look at a screen or a book.

Part of my natural enthusiasm for meditation is that I’ve logged well over 10,000 hours, and now I’m actually pretty good at it.  However, this hasn’t always been the case.  For a long while, I sucked pretty substantially.

My first experience with meditation was a semester-long course in college named, Meditation and Relaxation.  Once, the teacher had us take deep, conscious breaths, counting one on the inhale, and two on the exhale.  We were supposed to see how high we could count before we “blanked out,” got distracted, lost in thought, or forgot to consciously breath or keep counting.  I usually couldn’t make it past five.  My record was around ten.

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Why Meditate? Or, Dialogues with The Heart


You could read the latest neuroscience articles to get scientific explanations on why meditation is worthwhile.  You could parooze a million testimonials of people who say its benefited them.  Or, if it’s your bent, you could even find several-thousand-year-old treatises from sages and holy men who talk about transcendence, enlightenment or alleviating suffering.

However, you don’t need more reasons.

As a culture, we are extremely good at analysis and reasoning; so good that we live much more from the “head” than the “heart.”  Of course, balance is what’s needed.  I’m not saying don’t have a reason.  I’m suggesting that if you’re gotten this far, you probably already know that it will make you more grounded, less reactive, more directed, less weary, more sincere, less stuck, more     AAAAA    LLLLLL     IIIIII     VVVVVV     EEEEEEE  !!!!!!!

In turn, rather than dive more into the reasons, today I’ll invite you to plunge into your “heart,” your passion, your deep inner well of motivation—that felt sense of I will live my priorities no matter what comes challenges come my way.

Firstly, consider what impulse led you to reading this post on meditation.

Dive into that impulse a layer beneath the surface.  Is it the same thing that’s led you to caring about the world or trying to live consciously and deeply?

That “thing” is a raw feeling.  It’s nothing you could neatly condense into a “reason.”  It’s a pull of your heart.  An innate curiosity.  A longing of your soul.

Here’s one of the most important questions I’ll ever ask, so take a moment to actually feel into it before answering: Continue reading

The Three Types of Business; or, Removing Suffering


A couple months ago, I read Byron Katie’s excellent book, “Loving What Is.”  It’s on a very short list of books I highly recommend to everyone.  Among other things, one wisdom bit that’s stuck with me is her discussion of the three types of business:

1) Your business.  Your own beliefs, views, ideals, thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions, reactions, etc.

2) Other people’s business.  Other people’s beliefs, views, ideals, thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions, reactions, etc.
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Evolved Mindfulness: How to “Witness” AND Deeply Feel your Inner Reality

After doing so much meditation, I came to a place where I was highly proficient at “witnessing” my inner reality.  I could recognize even the subtlest emotions the moment they began—I knew how they felt energetically in the body, their associated thoughts and, often, the underlying reasons they arose.

Seeing all that in real-time was a tremendous way to demystify the ego.  I didn’t really get phased by much.  Good or bad.  I was solidly in the middle.  I lived my life in a place of enormous spaciousness.

And yet, something seemed a little off.

I spoke with a teacher who pointed out that while my strong awareness was definitely the right path, she saw in my eyes a hint of weariness, and suggested maybe I wasn’t channeling it the right way.  She gazed at me longingly and said there are two basic directions for awareness:

The first, dis-identification, she said is a high spiritual quality full of centeredness and aliveness.  A dis-identified person welcomes whatever experiences or emotions come, but also has enough inner strength to not get entangled or carried away.  No matter what’s happening, they remain rooted in their deeper identity and their innate human desire to love and serve.

The second, dis-engagement, she said is a form of aversion that, while spacious and grounded, is devoid of life-force.  A dis-engaged person doesn’t want to deal with certain things, and their inner strength can be used to avoid, even subconsciously, truly experiencing certain places inside themselves.  It leaves a person feeling like something is a little off.

The bridge, she told me, was to palpably feel my feelings.



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Could You Be Happy If This Was It?


If you’re like most people, you have a few core aspirations.

Maybe it’s something external, like a job that truly moves your soul.  Maybe it’s a deeply loving relationship.  Maybe it’s a family and raising your kids to be beautiful human beings.  Maybe it’s a large bank account, a life of travel and adventure, or perhaps just a comfortable life.

Maybe it’s more internal, like living each day with love and compassion.  Maybe it’s enlightenment or truth.  Maybe it’s to live simply and deeply.  Maybe it’s to bring mindfulness and presence into your every step.

For a moment, try considering the difference between your life now and the life you aspire to. Continue reading

The Four Definitions of Awareness


Part I – The Four Definitions

Nowadays, the word “awareness” is used very loosely, and often I’m not even entirely sure what people mean when they say it.  I thought it would be helpful to bring awareness (hah!) to what is actually meant by the word awareness.  Here’s four meanings which capture pretty much any possible usage:

1) A more contextual, big picture understanding.

Ever since his father died, he’s been living with a heightened awareness of what life is really about.”
“After reading this essay, you will have more awareness of the different usages of the word awareness.”
“Are you aware of the implications of touching her thigh?”

2) A present-focused attention that’s stripped of context.

“I’m aware of the bitter and sweet flavors of this chocolate bar on my tongue.”
“Bring your awareness to the sensations of the breathing in your nostrils or abdomen.”
“I’m aware of my current mood of apathy and the accompanying low-energy I feel. Continue reading

Acceptance vs. Understanding: Tales from the Road

ok-1186364_1920A friend and I were in Myanmar, sitting in the bus station lobby, ready for our 12 hour trip to Bagan.  After waiting patiently for an hour, the bus finally arrived and began letting passengers on board.

When we handed the driver our tickets—entirely written in Burmese—he looked at them, looked at us, looked at them again, and then said, “I’m sorry, you are on the wrong bus.  This bus is going to Bagan.  These are tickets for the bus to Mandalay.  It’s the complete opposite direction.”

As it turned out, the woman we bought the tickets from gave us the wrong ones; and, as the bus to Bagan was now full, we were stuck in the same town for another day.


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Knowledge Is Power vs. Ignorance Is Bliss

knowledge is power picture

Shortly before I went for my 21 month retreat, I told a friend I wasn’t really an anxious person and that I experienced anxiety maybe four or five times a year.  Shortly after completing the retreat, I told another friend that I experienced anxiety just as much as everyone else—maybe four or five times an hour.

It’s not that intensive meditation made me more anxious; instead, it showed me what had always been happening in my mind on a much subtler level.

Upon hearing this comment, some people wonder why I would ever want to be aware of something so unpleasant as frequent anxiety.  I tell them there’s two basic life positions: “knowledge is power” and “ignorance is bliss.”

Knowledge isn’t always comfortable (have you ever read “A People’s History of the United States”!?); but, with respect to my four-to-five times per hour anxiety, I now have a choice on how to handle it that I once didn’t have.  Sometimes I still act reactively, but more and more, I manage to act out of a deeper sincerity.

I’m not sure I could give a greater endorsement for ‘knowledge is power.’

Authenticity vs. Sincerity: Experiences of a Meditator (Part 2)

This is a continuation of the previous post on the difference between authenticity and sincerity.  Today we dive more into “the eye to others.”

Part III: Our Innate Eye To Others

While running an electronics business in my mid-twenties, I spent many hours a week on technical support calls.  They were tedious and redundant.  For the first couple years, I was usually impatient and irritable with the outsourced tech support people.

And, then, just before my 26th birthday, I went on my first 10 day silent meditation retreat—diving through layer upon layer of my own “inner noise”, before ending the retreat off by myself in the woods, weeping uncontrollably, only able to utter the phrase, “there’s so much love, there’s so much love.”

A couple months later, after finishing a particularly long tech support call, I realized that not just on that call, but on every call since that retreat, I had been consistently patient, kind and understanding with the human beings on the other side of the line.

How to explain the shift? Continue reading

Authenticity vs. Sincerity: Experiences of a Meditator (Part 1)


While sincerity and authenticity are pretty similar qualities, there is also a major difference.

On a technical level, authenticity means being true to oneself, while sincerity means being true to oneself with an eye to others.  On a more practical level, someone could be authentic and also be a total jerk, while it’s very difficult to imagine a sincere person being a jerk.

In this two-part post, I’ll share a bit of my life story, though above all, I hope to paint a very human picture of a path that blossoms from surface-level authenticity into a deeper sincerity.


Part I: The Blessings and Shadows of Authenticity  

I grew up in a strong evangelical christian household, not really knowing about other belief systems or ways of living.  Following Jesus was my reality.  And, so, when at age 12 I started to have a deep intuitive sense that the christian story was not actually true, I had no real outlet for that, no outside information or mentor to guide me.  Instead, I suppressed my inner voice. 

From ages 12-17, I pretended I was a good christian and played by the rules, while internally, I numbed and distracted myself from the basic reality that I did not believe the christian myth.

My first wake up call came at age 16 when I got caught smoking marijuana (my first time trying it!).  After an intense and tear-filled conversation with my parents, I resolved to change my ways and never smoke again.

While I didn’t smoke again for a while, I will still living the same “double life” I had been since I was 12.  Eventually, something had to give.  About a year after that first conversation, I started smoking again.

After a couple months of not-so-covert usage, my parents sat me down in the living room one evening and said, “we know you’ve been smoking pot again.” 

This time, I smirked and nodded with acknowledgement.  I listened to their concerns, quite relaxed, and accepted their punishment with a curious indifference. 

Something big was happening inside me. 

When we had just about finished, I looked them right in the eyes and said decisively, “by the way, I’m not going to church anymore.”

That moment was without a doubt one of the most important of my life—it was the first time that I dared to be truly authentic.

In the years that followed, I went from shy, soft-spoken and self-conscious to brazen, gregarious and outspoken.  Interestingly, this shift took me from social misfit to someone people actually seemed to like.  In turn, I went more deeply into this mode, becoming a bit rough around the edges.

Halfway through my four years working at a natural foods co-op, I approached a friendly co-worker and said, “don’t you think it’s pretty rude that you always leave your register and dilly-dally around the store while the rest of us are taking care of customers?”

Even though there may have been a kernel of truth to my words, I was neither empathetic nor her supervisor, and the conversation that followed led to a year where we didn’t speak to one another.

This was the sort of thing I had become accustomed to doing—saying exactly what I felt with no filter; or, being unapologetically authentic.

Around the time I graduated college, I was feeling a deep existential unrest.  I couldn’t pinpoint it, but I knew my life situation wasn’t helping—working as a bartender, socializing and drinking most nights, and, in general, not really challenging myself very much.

Slowly slowly, I was hearing a deep inner voice go from a whisper to a talk to a shout, simply saying something must change—and, so, I bought a one-way ticket to Southern Mexico to start a new life.

Like the conversation with my parents, this one-way ticket was one of the most important and beneficial things I’ve ever done—it was me stepping out of my comfort zone and into what my most authentic self knew to be best.

A few months after re-locating, I went to a baseball game with a new friend.  About midway through, I was feeling a growing boredom, irritability and desire for some solo time. 

Without any discussion or even making an effort to relax and let go into the shared experience, I simply stood up and said, “I’m going to leave.  I’ll see you later.”  As I walked away, he looked at me with a sort of bewilderment; again, my way of living was still brazenly authentic.

In daring to follow some of these inner voices, like with my parents and my one-way ticket, and even with the little day-to-day choices like leaving a baseball game when I didn’t want to be there anymore, I was experiencing one of the great blessings of authenticity—deepening alignment between my inner truth and my outer reality.

I want to pause here a moment.

When we are used to living our whole life according to what other people want or our own voices of fear, we never get to this point.  In one ancient story, the Buddha talks about four types of happiness—and the first three revolve around doing what we want.

Those five years I spent from age 12 to 17 were incredibly painful.  On the surface, everything seemed fine, but I was dead inside.

Basically, I’m pausing for a moment to really validate brazen authenticity.  Being true to ourselves is so incredibly important and life-affirming that if we need some brazenness to get there, then my two cents are that it’s absolutely worth it.

lonely walkerAnd yet, and yet, how much deeper the rabbit hole goes!

As I analyze a bit in The Three Levels of Truth, my authenticity around that stage of my life was pretty shallow, colored with self-centeredness and absent of any deeper understanding of what it means to be an integrated person.

Western culture tends to say that “doing whatever you want” is happiness.  While my brazen authenticity was certainly better than the lie, it still left me with a somewhat hollow happiness.

We are a social species, and when our so-called authenticity erects barriers between us and the outside world, it tends to limit our happiness in a very real way. 

In that three levels of truth essay (and in that ancient Buddha story), the missing link is dropping into spiritual truth.  This allows us to integrate our personal authenticity with those deeper layers of love, wisdom and connection—something that I call “sincerity,” or being true to oneself with an eye to others.

In the next post, I’ll detail the blossoming of my own sincerity journey beyond surface authenticity!